One of the real troubles I have with life (as opposed to the fake troubles, naturally) is that being a person doesn’t come with an instruction manual. At best, I’ve got a copy of the Quick Start guide that came in the box; although it’s surprisingly thick, there’s only one page per language, and every one is (badly) translated from Korean.
Some of the things in it aren’t nearly as true as I’d hoped (“The secret to lifelong happiness is behaving yourself and getting good grades at school.”) or worse, are just-flat out lies. It is amazing how long it took me to realise this.
Not to mention that there are whole sections of life that just aren’t covered at all. What do in case of X, or if Y starts happening, how do I deal with it? What if I discover I’m a Z?
So, absent a handy guidebook, I’ve been doing what I always do: analysing. I’m trying to figure out exactly what my personality flaws are, in an attempt to ultimately do something about them. In essence, trying to rediscover the guidebook using trial & error, deduction from first principles, and plain guesswork. Knowledge is power, so I reckon. The weird thing is that knowing what my flaws are doesn’t necessarily help; it just means I feel terribly self-aware as something gets screwed up (“Ahah! I feel like shit because of this!”), which is intellectually stimulating, but doesn’t really stop me feeling like shit. Actually, the process of intellectually dwelling can really just make things worse.
It doesn’t really help that I got terribly existential a few years back (as confused young men can, when they have access to either a well-stocked library or bookshop) and discovered that we all have absolute free will; in any situation you have total freedom of action. It’s simultaneously liberating and terrifying: absolute freedom of action is one of the most scary things imaginable. You become utterly aware that there is no such thing as following orders or going with the crowd; you’re making choices, all the time, and by freely making a choice you are assuming the awful weight of the responsibility that goes with that choice.
So if you screw up, it’s your fault. Even if you don’t know how you could have avoided screwing up, or if another choice could have screwed things up worse. The fact is, you did things the way you did (or didn’t do), and you’ve got to reap the consequences.
What I wish is that I could have access to a whole set of parallel lives so that I could try every possible action and figure out which one works best. An empirical approach to life, so that it could be led perfectly.
Although thinking about it, that’s just the plot to Groundhog Day.
Anyways, as I was writing this I thought of Neil Gaiman‘s “Instructions”, a narrated trailer for which I’ve embedded below, and it’s really marvellous.
My next post should be entitled “Damascus” and I’ve meant to type it out for a while. It’s been swimming about in my head.